It’s Not Always Butterflies and Roses

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written.  I’d like to tell you it’s because I’ve been so busy working out, training for marathons and being a super mom, but that would all be a lie.  Truth is, it has been some really crappy, frustrating, depressing, and trying months as of late, and it’s only now that I feel like I can even attempt to vocalize what has been happening.  It’s not like I haven’t tried to write some updates, but I kept feeling like there was nothing positive to say.  But let’s face it…that’s just life sometimes.

June:

I’m doing good…like, really, really good.  I’m working out every day, challenging myself physically, the house is immaculate, both my boys are happy and we’re planning on visiting my family during the beginning of August.  I must have been extra motivated that one day, because I went to the gym with the only intentions of seeing just how fast I could run on the treadmill…sprint time, baby!  After 20 minutes, I’m sweaty, sore, but so exhilarated, because this lil’ chubber can run!  I keep bumping up the speed till I’m at 10 MPH and run till I almost fall.  I feel a sharp pain right in my left chest which makes me jump off the treadmill and take some deep breaths.  The pain is still there, but seems to be going away.  I decided to call it a day and walked home.  The next morning, my chest is tight, like, there is a cement block that has taken up residence on there.  I’m concerned, but again, just chalk it up to the fact that I over did it yesterday.  Saturday morning, the pain and pressure is still there, but now I’m having waves of stabbing pain and pressure, right where my heart is.  I google my symptoms, which was the worst thing I could ever do.  Instantly, I’m horribly concerned that I’m having heart failure, a heart attack, or something worse.  I tell Rob about it that night, and we both decide that if the pain is still there, I’ll go to the doctor in the morning.  I have a hard time falling asleep that night, because I was honestly worried that I wouldn’t wake up again, and am still in pain the next morning.  Rob drops me off at the Urgent Care clinic, and in tears, I tell the secretary that I’m having chest pain.  Instantly, they take me back and hook me up to an EKG, while asking a ton of questions.  The EKG is not showing anything abnormal, but the doctor is concerned that I could have a pulmonary embolism, (a clot in my lungs) which is really dangerous.  I am then sent the the ER, where multiple blood samples are taken, another EKG is hooked up and I have an MRI which all show that there is nothing wrong with my heart.  (HUGE sigh of relief!)  The ER doctor thinks that either I injured the lining of my lungs by overdoing it on the treadmill, that I had a weird gas bubble, or something pulled in my back.  The MRI did show a “possible lump” in my chest, so I needed to follow up with my personal physician.  I go home, and try to relax.

July:

First, I need to find a personal physician, since I haven’t had any need for one since we moved to Naples.  I chose one off the internet that seems legit, and set up an appointment.  At her office, she again asks me lots of questions, and orders another EKG.  She then proceeds to scare the crap out of me by saying that my EKG is not normal, and has Q waves.  When I ask her what that means , she tells me that Q waves are only on EKG’s when someone has had a previous heart attack.  Also, she tells me that I have a heart murmur.  (WHAT!?!) So I’m referred to a cardiologist and a pulmonary doctor for the small lump that is in my chest.  The following week, I’m sitting in the waiting room for my cardio appointment, and I am the youngest person by at least 30 years.  When I am finally seen by the cardiologist, he takes a look at both of my EKG’s and sets my mind at ease.  There are no “Q” waves on my tests, (my fantastic personal physician obviously did not know what she was talking about ) and the heart murmur is small and perfectly normal, (“You just have a heart that is a little noisy”) and he will not see me again.  (YAY!)  Pulmonary appointment goes well too.  My lungs are working well, with no signs of  asthma,  and the lump is a small necrotic lymph node.  He’s not sure why my lymph node died, but basically tells me that everyone has something weird in their bodies, and not to worry about it.  Apparently, lymph nodes are very reactive to infections in your body, and it could have been cause from a previous sickness, or been there my entire life. He schedules a follow up MRI in six months, just to keep an eye on it, and sends me on my way.  I’m relieved and happy, plus I have never been so aware of the state of my internal organs! 🙂  Also, I am now a bonafide expert on all things having to do with “Q” waves and lymph nodes.  On almost a side note, my in-laws have separated, which has been pretty stressful and angering for both Rob and I, but we have been trying to keep out of it as much as possible, and see if things will resolve themselves.

August:

I’m pregnant!  After almost a year of trying, Rob and I are pregnant!  I am so excited and happy.  I was starting to wonder if it was ever going to happen again, and every month that it didn’t made me more convinced that we got lucky when we had Logan.  Finally, on August 23rd, I tested positive.  I kind of knew that I was.  The week before I noticed that everything was smelling weird to me.  Logan was snacking on Cheerios, but they made me sick because they smelled like fish.  Berries on trees smelled like vinegar.  Plus I was SO tired all the time.  I tell a couple of my close girlfriends in the Kingdom Hall, and Rob and I start planning for the new addition.

September (so far)

On Tuesday, I have my first appointment with my obgyn to confirm the pregnancy.  He answers my questions, and I have a urine and blood test that both confirm what I already knew.  By this point, I am having full blown symptoms…super tired, sore boobs, snotty nose, etc, etc.  My parents are coming in two weeks and I have my 8 week checkup the day before they get down here, and I can’t wait to tell them by showing the ultrasound picture of the jelly bean residing in my belly.  Two days later, I am in the bathroom at the meeting when I notice that I am spotting a little.  The warning bells don’t immediately go off, after all, a lot of women spot at some time when they are pregnant.  The next morning, (Friday) I am a bit worried when it hasn’t stopped.  I call my doctor, who assures me that it’s normal sometimes for women to spot a little, and that the mild cramping I’m feeling could be because baby is growing. I hardly sleep that night because it just feels like something is not right.  I keep praying for the bleeding to stop, but when I get up at 6am, I see bright red blood.  I wake up Rob and tell him that I’m going to the ER.  He stays home with Logan, but keeps his phone nearby.  After more blood tests which still show that I’m pregnant, I have an ultrasound.  The tech cannot find a baby, but she does find a sac, which she thinks is abnormal.  I leave the hospital in tears, am told that it’s not looking too good, and the only thing I can do is rest at home and see my obgyn the next week.  I’m devastated, but I have really great friends who do their best to keep me busy and occupied the remainder of the weekend so I’m not stuck at home sulking and thinking about it.  At the doctors appointment on Wednesday, he tells me very nicely that he thinks I have had a miscarriage.  He asks what I would like to do, if I would like to let it happen naturally or schedule a D&C, and when I ask for one more blood test to verify everything, he obliges.  Wednesday night, there is still a small part of me that thinks everything is going to be okay, that the baby is still there by some miracle, but Thursday morning I get the call that I definitely have had a miscarriage.  I’m okay and am holding it together until I found the original pregnancy test in my bathroom, at which point all the disappointment and hurt and sadness boils up and I lose all the control I’ve had, and break down.  Thank goodness Logan was napping and Rob was at work, because it was not a pretty sight.  When I pick Rob up from work, he can tell that it has all sunk in for me.  We go out after dinner, rent a movie and drink a huge bottle of sangria, which does take some of the edge off.  Today for the first time in two weeks, I haven’t bled at all, which I am very thankful for.  I feel more balanced and accepting about what has happened, and while I am sad that I’m no longer pregnant, I’m thankful for the fact that it happened so early in the pregnancy.  I never had an opportunity to hear the heartbeat or see it on an ultrasound or feel it move.  It’s almost like it was never really there.

So there is my fantastic, awesome update!  And you wonder why I was having a hard time writing?  To say that these last couple of months have been crappy feels like the understatement of the century, but I do know that it could have been a lot worse.  I am a lot more appreciative of my family and friends…really, I have the best husband and son that a girl could ask for.  (When I came home from the hospital that horrible morning, Rob had a big cup of perfect coffee just waiting for me.) I found out who my true friends were…those awesome girls who went to the hospital looking for me, or who listened to me cry on the phone, or who just let me know that they were there.  Also, who my real friends aren’t…when I called someone who I used to be close to and she said ” yeah, watch, it will probably take you another year to get pregnant again” then started to complain about her pregnancy.  (Really?)  I’m usually have such a happy, carefree personality,  so it’s been hard dealing with the anger I’m feeling towards lots of things right now.  I’m mad at my body, at my in-laws, at pregnant women I see throughout the day, and at those false friends.  I’ve been pretty down as a whole but I feel like I’m coming out of it and every day is a little better than before.  And my parents and sister are coming this weekend, which could not come at a better time.  Rob is taking his vacation, so I am planning on just losing myself at the beach for the next week with my family around me and taking some time to heal and get happy again.  And I’ve started working out again, with an arm workout yesterday and some jogging today.  I wasn’t going to write about all this stuff, but that is just the way life is…with the good comes the bad.  I feel like I’ve had my share of bad lately…the good is just around the corner.

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5 thoughts on “It’s Not Always Butterflies and Roses

  1. Hey dear. 🙂 So good to see you writing again.. From all of this negativity, you have come out of the gates a more experienced woman who can relate to other people on a whole other level. I do think that good is just around the corner. Love you and miss you like always.

  2. I wish I could reach through this computer and just give you the biggest longest hug! My heart goes out to both you and Rob. Time…it will get better. And don’t you EVER stop writing … and PLEASE (if only for me) submit some of your stories to be published. I’m not gonna stop bugging you 🙂 Love you sunshine! – Aunt Eileen

  3. I feel the same as Eileen – wishing so badly could give you a long embrace. 🙂 So sorry to hear about your heartbreak and troubles, sadly can relate…been there. Wish could say it gets easier over time, but sometimes its really hard – just the other day I saw a mom and kid together about the age mine would’ve been – oh so much sorrow in this crazy world we live in, somedays it just seems that it can’t get worse, but there’s always someone else who has it way worse, so gotta count the little blessings we still have. Just wanted to let you know that I love you sweetheart, think about you often and miss seeing your beautiful smile and pictures of Logan, I bet he is cuter & smarter than ever! {just like his momma} 🙂 Take care of yourself and PS I told your mom to give you a hug for me. XOXO — Melody

  4. Hi Andrea. It’s kind of hard to even see the computer right now cuz I’m crying my head off right now. I’m soooo sorry sweety for everything you’ve been through. I wish I could see you all, especially you Andrea. (maybe I could hitch a ride in you mom & dad’s luggage). Please know I love you and are thinking of you and your awesome family!

  5. Not much to say other than life sucks sometimes and it doesn’t always go how you think it should go.

    If I’ve learned anything in my 34 years thus far, it’s that you cherish every moment with your loved ones, don’t judge a person by what they appear to be on the outside (or even by the expression of their face at the time — they may be having a crappy day too, or just have to fart), take the time to get to know good people, we don’t always have to change everyone and everything we meet (that’s up to the individual, no matter how charming/persuasive/”sparkly-eyed” we think we are), gray hairs/white hairs work really well with blond hair, work is just work (and it really doesn’t matter, it DOESN’T), you will always think someone else has a better life than you (but you really don’t know that, and their crap stinks too), exercise and eating right are the only 2 things in the world you can control that will help your body and mind feel better from the inside and to help put everything else in perspective, love and faith fill in all the rest of the time and space, and that your immediate family has more things in common with you than you know (it’s actually pretty scary).

    Oh, and sunshine is a glorious vitamin that the body craves. So, if you’ve found it in Florida, than that is a wonderful thing. Because here is Pennsylvania it has been completely miserable, rainy, and overcast for like a month now. Lucky us!

    I wish I could’ve been there for you, Andrea.

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