Lately, there has been a battle of wills going on in my head all the time, always weighing the pros and cons of everything I do. Did I eat too much? What are these ingredients? Am I running far enough? Should I slow down or speed up? Is one cookie really going to do any that much harm? I’m not quite sure where these voices came from or how long they will stay, but I am enjoying getting to know them.
One of the main reasons why I am so big is that I have never actually thought about what I was putting in my mouth. All of my life I’ve eaten without abandon, whatever floated my boat at that moment was what I would eat. If for some reason I felt like chinese food, I would order General Tso’s chicken with Lo Mein noodles and not have a problem eating all of it. If I wanted a brownie sundae, I would make a special trip to the grocery store for all the toppings, fudge and ice cream and make a huge sundae when I got home. My eating style was not something that I took any effort to control…I just ate what my fickle self felt like eating at that moment. I’ve also been very good at convincing myself that all these desserts and fattening foods were a good way to reward myself for cleaning the house or washing the car, or even exercising! (very counterproductive…I just did 40 minutes on the elliptical, so now I can eat some Reeses peanut butter cups!) It’s fairly obvious to see how this type of behavior can get a girl in some serious trouble with her health! Even though I don’t have diabetes, high blood-pressure, high choleterol or heart disease yet doesn’t mean that I will never have to deal with those problems if I continue with my zombie eating style. Right now I have my youth on my side, so I need to take advantage of it while I can!
Someone once told me “Nothing’s going to change until something changes.” For a long time I didn’t know what he meant, but I get it now. Nothing is going to change with my weight until something changes in my mind. It is time for me to think before I eat, not just shove food in my face because the food is there. This is all new for me…for the past 25 years I never thought about the effect my choices would have on my life, my husband, my son or my family. I’ve set food up on such a high pedestal that I don’t see it for what it really is…fuel for me to live my life. Not the reason for me to live, but just something to help me, as long as I eat the right type.
That is where my new inner voices come in to play. When I am eating out with friends and the waiter asks “Do you have any room for dessert tonight, we have a wonderful fresh apple pie a la mode?” my little voices are whispering in my ear, “You don’t need it tonight. Besides, you already know exactly what it is going to taste like!” They are also with me in the grocery store when I pass the Fudge Stripes cookies that are buy one get one free this week, saying, “Remember last time you bought them? You ate the whole bag in one sitting and couldn’t button your jeans the next day so you had to wear your exercise shorts…it wasn’t a good look!” At the time I wish the voices would shut up and let me enjoy my carton of Fudge Stripes already! But as soon as I leave the store and my bags filled with fresh, delicious, good for you food, (not a cookie or Twizzler in sight) I thank my little voices who have been working so hard, and I hope that they will stay for a long, long time.